I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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