no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
