Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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