I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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