: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
