you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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