Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
