So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
