she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
