I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
