The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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