You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
