I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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