Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
