she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You made out with two different species that night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
