She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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