Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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