The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
