i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
