Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
