I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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