I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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