I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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