now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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