Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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