So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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