Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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