would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
