I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
