sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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