Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
