I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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