Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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