Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
