my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
