Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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