Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He better not be in your backpack
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
