So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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