just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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