My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
