there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
