Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
