My liver just broke up with me...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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