mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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