Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
