Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
