walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
