You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
