I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
