your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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