i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
